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Three years ago, our family decided as a unit to start the fost-adopt process through our county. 15 years earlier, even before we had our own two boys, my husband and I had a very clear conversation about how adoption was something we wanted to do in the future. (We had no idea what we were asking for).

We had four girls come through our house (ages 1-7) over the past three years. I love every one of them. My husband's favorite was the first little girl, who looked and acted very much like me. My favorite was the last little girl, full of smiles and love of music. Our heart breaks every time we think about them. Our home is still filled with all of their little expressions and cuteness.

What we thought would lead to adoption ended up in a journey of self-discovery. We learned about our inability to prioritize our lives with what matters Most. We learned about how the extent to which we endure hardship (brought on by self-reliance) can ruin our health and our relationships.

There was more drama than I can even describe. from teaching a 6-year old the alphabet because she had never been to school, to dealing with an older sibling who continued to hurt her sister, to a child who ran upstairs every time a male figure walked through the door, to looking into the eyes of a girl who was in every way your daughter but who you could not adopt - the journey has been devastating.

At one point, my bio kids gave me a very puzzled look when I told them that a mom left her girls in the car of fast food parking lot because she knew that if she came back , she would be arrested for drugs. And that another child was left alone with a dangerous man in a hotel room, knocked out from drugs. And that another child threw up and had digestive issues for the entirety of her first year of life because she was being weaned off of drug dependency.

When I was a little girl, I lived in a world of hurt and fear but what I went through was nothing compared to the utter injustice these four girls went through. What I did in the middle of it all was to try and do everything to fix their lives myself. To make matters worse, my husband traveled 75% of the time (a bad idea now that we have hindsight) and I was trying to work a full-time job while taking care of my own kids and foster kids at the same time (also very dumb). I tried to fix all of the injustice of these girls' lives with every fiber of my own being, without crying out to God for help.<